Thanksgiving for the Glory of Shopping Bargains!


In 1621 the settlers in Plymouth and the Wampanoag Indians, who were the traditional land owners there, decided that it would be in the best interests of 21st century Americans to set asside their differences and declare Thanks Giving & Black Friday as a time to honor everyone searching for bargains to enhance their home life.

Actually, it was a three day festival honoring the pilgrims' first successful harvest at which the locals killed 5 deer to eat for the celebrations, and in addition to that they prepared exactly 0 turkeys, 0 pumpkins and 0 potatoes.

The event immediately took off as a day of national celebration over 150 years later when President Washington declared the day a national day of celebration on Thursday November the 26th 1789.

Well not quite immediately, it wasn't until a declaration by President Lincoln during the midst of the Civil War in 1863 when civil society decided that the war wasn't about economic issues but rather about emancipation of non-indigenous Americans of African decent to have their rights elevated, while leaving indigenous Americans relegated to being holiday cooks and future casino operators, that Thanksgiving would become a national annual tradition.

Well actually it got moved to 7 days earlier in 1939 by President Roosevelt in order to help retailers suffering from the Great Depression by giving them an extra week to promote their sales prior to the all important Christmas sales period. That move was highly criticized, so in an effort to distract public attention from the political problems of US involvement in World War II, the same president signed a declaration in 1941 which would for ever more fix the national celebration to the 4th Thursday of November each year.

There are cynics among us who claim that the commercialization of important holidays like these have been driven by companies like Hallmark - but that is patently untrue as everyone knows corporate greed is only designed to exploit us on Valentine's Day.

What could possibly be a greater statement of the advancement of the human condition other than by saying a couple of turkeys will be spared (a tradition formally established by President H.W. Bush in 1989), but that the rest of them are destined to be carcasses held at the mercy of the hoards being injured while fighting their way towards injury lawsuits through department stores in pursuit of the American Dream?

So keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive by eating a turkey corpse in the company of relatives you can't stand while asserting the legal conception of terra nullius.

After all, you owe lip service to all the suffering which came before you.

Happy Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Cyber Monday!

PS - this message does not necessarily represent the views of all the sponsors Totally Home Improvement just lost within moments of posting this article.