Funny Home Improvement Jokes, Humor, and Oddities

Home improvement jokes - fuse toilet

The Electrician, The Dog, and The Parrot

An electrician went to a job at a house with a large dog and a parrot. The owner, sensing the electrician's nerves, said to the electrician that there was no need to worry about the dog, but whatever you do never say a word to the parrot. Relieved, the electrician got to work, the dog sitting there watching him the whole time. All of a sudden after the owner left, the parrot let loose with the meanest tirade of insults at the electrician who, after a few minutes of this, told the parrot to shut up. The parrot replied, “Sick ‘em, Rex!”

Sometimes construction doesn't always go to plan, worst still - sometimes it does!

Bath Time Lunch

A plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, “Would it be okay for me to take a bath while you’re eating lunch?” The plumber stopped working, sat on the toilet and replied, “It’s okay with me lady, as long as you don’t splash my sandwiches.”

Tool Definitions

  • Table Saw - a large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • Skill Saw - a portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  • Belt Sander - an electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
  • Hose Cutter- used to make hoses too short - but only usually at one end.
  • Hammer - a divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
  • Pliers - designed for rounding off bolt heads.
  • Pry Bar - best used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 25 cent part.

Some People Call it a Smoke Alarm

I call it my cooking timer :)

Ronnie Corbett's Handyman Joke

A lady advertises in the local paper looking for a handyman. A gentleman comes knocking at the door saying that he's responding to her ad. "I have some overhead kitchen cabinets that need fixing" she says, but the handyman replies, "Sorry I can't do that on account of my shoulder". So she asks, "Can you fix the tiles on the bathroom floor?" to which the handyman replies "Sorry I can't do that on account of my dicky knee". Slightly frustrated the lady asks, "Well can you at least mow the lawn?" to which the handyman replies, "Sorry I can't do that on account of my bad back". At this point the lady is getting quite irate and says "You do know that I advertised for a handyman?". The man replies, "Yes, I'm a handyman". "But you don't seem to be able to do anything, why do you think you're a handyman?" to which he replies, "I live just around the corner!"

Here are both the Two Ronnies in their famous home shopping sketch:

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